On October 15 I will be turning 29. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I am very lucky to have a friend who boldly goes into these ages a month ahead and then reports back her findings. Into the abyss; kind of like an age reconnaissance.
Usually I feel excitement and dread when it gets close to my birthday; right now I almost feel nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about an event occurring on my birthday, Extra Life, but I’m having trouble mustering up anything for the actual birthday. I can tell I feel a little down about it but I can’t seem to connect with it even though I can tell because of some of my sleep habits are going more odd than normal. Perhaps it’s because I feel so far away from most of my friends and family. Perhaps it’s because these last few months seemed to go so fast that I’m having trouble grasping that my birthday is around the corner. Perhaps it’s that I’ve already had 28 of them so what’s one more? I feel numb with an undercurrent. It’s almost like I’ve been shot through with Novocain and the feelings of excitement and dread are hovering, waiting to take hold.
I always say that birthdays are great because they take me further away from 22. I’ve been feeling 22 again and I’m realizing that 22 was really not that bad. I was angsty, but I’m always angsty to varying degrees. With my recent relocation/ joblessness with mostly school and my writing to keep me busy, I’ve gone back to my 22 personality with a 28 perspective and I realized 22 was not as bad as I made it out to be. At 22 I was very angsty but nothing that bad. Looking back I realized that I spent much of 23 – 27 feeling numb and not really myself, just going through motions because what else was I going to do. I felt much more myself at 22 and I’ve started feeling much more myself now. I don’t feel like I’m turning 29, I feel like I’m turning 22 Part 2 (or is it Part 3 now?) I have to admit I prefer feeling angsty to feeling numb and just going through the motions of my life. It is a horrible to feel absolutely nothing and to feel that you can’t even catch a glimpse of yourself anymore.
On Saturday I will be turning 29 and I look back and it’s sometimes like watching someone else’s life go past. Some of the events don’t seem as long ago as others and the chronology is all messed up. Everything is disjointed and disconnected.